The Ritual of Music and the Contract Parents Make with Their Kids When They Take Lessons
This article is for parents who are a bit torn about how to require ‘practice time’ for their children who are taking lessons on any instrument. I understand how they may have had poor experiences as a child, and/or do not wish to cause the same negative experience to happen for their kids. Here are some observations and suggestions I can share, which I have learned through the years I have been teaching (about 45, now) and my own experience with my son, and his music lessons.
Here we go:
Music really isn’t like homework, or even the kind of ‘assignments’ one has in a job. The important thing for parents to help develop with their children regarding music lessons is the daily ritual of engaging physically and mentally with music for a short period of time, and being quite regular about it. I know you can tell a child to ‘go practice,’ but I think it only takes hold if a parent becomes involved in the reinforcement of the benefit of becoming regular with the experience.
A lot of people are deadline people. Our world, whatever we may wish it to be, is mostly set up as a series of deadlines to meet. However, many subjects, skills and crafts we aspire to be better at are the opposite. One has to develop a personal discipline and practice (this is, in fact, often achieved through a group effort, and is not necessarily a singular, private endeavor). The type for deadline thinking with piano lessons is, of course, to set up a series of recitals which create a deadline, whereupon students ramp up their practice when the deadline looms close. I think recitals are fine, because there’s a lot of ‘performers’ in any mix, and the chance to put on a little show is dang fun. But, often, after students stop taking lessons, they never play again, because the deadlines are gone, and they have never developed the daily routine of having it be part of their life. It is more like cooking than, say, writing an essay.
It is a proven scientific fact that the brain decides to remember things that keep recurring. If you develop a time that your play things, and perhaps have numerous small ‘music ritual’ moments during a day, the music begins to become part of you, and not something that is some document you make estimations on periodically. The comfort zone of the ritual, and the support it provides, is a wonderful thing. This is not to say that it will all be like some Buddhist meditation ceremony. There was considerable cursing and loud noises when I was 12 and practicing!
Here are some things to do to help develop the ritual/practice of playing:
1. Don’t call it practice. Call it playing. You can call it developing your practice. Try to avoid calling it practice, and falling into the ‘nag’ category. I used to ask my son if he was going to ‘get some playing in’ on the drums.
2. Set a regular time that playing the piano is done. Time it.
3. Show an interest in what their assignment is, and have them explain to you what they are doing. Look at the assignment book together. This is so important.
4. Ask them to play their music for you once in a while, ideally at least once a week. Check in. Enjoy it- it’s fun. Give him/her compliments. Whatever is natural for you.
5. Create incentive: no computer time until the piano session is done. Same amount of piano time equals game time (that can be tough and not everybody does that one). I know families that do this, and it works. I also recommend putting away the phone (the student’s) during practice time. You may have other ideas about good incentives.
6. Check in with them about moving forward with a challenge. Sometimes you will hear them practice, but they keep playing the same things and do not tackle the new thing. They are avoiding problem solving. You can ask them about how did the teacher show them how to solve a problem, how to learn a piece.
7. If you like to sing, or to play an instrument yourself, find a way to partner with them and play a song here and there. They may resist at first, but if you ask them to help YOU play a song, or that you really would like to play along, you can have some fun. Teachers are always excited to learn a family wants to play something together, and will always help.
8. If you can play piano and read music (or play another instrument and read), sight read simple things together. Perhaps you play the bass clef while they play the treble. Believe me, if this is at all fun for the two of you, you’ll never ever forget it, and it’s pure gold.
Other things that help is having the keyboard be somewhere where it is not a high traffic area, or gets pre-empted by television or right next to your ‘office’; make sure the environment is provided for concentration (does not have to be like a tomb!); keep the piano in good tune; make sure music is organized; don’t use the keyboard as ‘surface area’, ever.
Think about any other ‘rituals’ you may have as part of your daily, weekly or annual family activities. Dinner together? Cooking? Having friends over for dinner somewhat regular? Church? Friday night movie? Other arts? Brushing teeth? I mean that last one. People often do it together! But also the personal daily rituals, however simple they are, that we take for granted. Reading in bed before lights out.
What is important, though, is this: whatever the balance between rituals/regular things and slightly controlled chaos you may have in your home, is that the young music student will come to understand that it is part of your family life, in a daily, breathing, cyclical way, and not something that happens here or there (and is UN-connected to the family).
Also when it becomes a family thing, then they are not alone with it (which can be not so much fun, until later when they are teens and the whole dynamic changes). There is a lovely private aspect to playing a musical instrument, and it is good to give your child space. You will find the balance with that.
When it is part of the family dynamic, it stops it from being something with which they have made a “contract” with you about, as opposed to learning a skill. You may not be aware of this contract, but, believe me, your youngster is, especially if they are over 10.
The “Contract”
Right now, your child may have developed an arrangement with you that goes like this: If she/he is perfectly willing to go to their lessons, and to be a good student in the lesson (which almost all are), there are minimal expectations with what happens at home. Practice is not required. It is the child’s choice when to play. As long as they are happy to go to the lesson. This is often true, because the student will often practice very little, and only make progress on their music except when they are at lesson, or for a brief flurry before leaving for the lesson. He/she has usually forgotten things in the intervening week. Since I know they do not practice, I don’t get particularly upset.
I used to- get upset- then I learned there was no results from this at all. So, I don’t get angry. There is no pay-off for pompous windbag lecturing. Zero.
Mom or Dad may tell their child to go practice, but they still have the option to do it, or to just make a feint at doing it, and now that that has been established, they bank on it. I don’t think they are being cynical, but I do think they know what the arrangement is. SO, the teacher can ask a student to go play when they are at home as much as they want, but the student knows they have the real arrangement with mom and dad at home. Mom and Dad rule.
If we are together on it, then it’s a good thing.
I know you may not care to hear my advice on conducting family life at home- I am only talking about music! The point is, we either get over the hump and make it a regular part of life, or it fails. So, I am only directing my knowledge towards music lessons, and nothing else about yourselves, your children or the family. Just want to be clear about that.
So, give it a go, please, to help with the craft of doing it in a way that is more like the ritual of a process, and not something to just get out of the way, or to complete like a math assignment. It is a good time to do it, for their sake, so they can find out if they really can enjoy learning an instrument, or if it is not for them. This is much better way to find out, instead of letting them go to lessons and and just hope for the best. And, as I’ve said in other posts, they are the ones teaching themselves how to play and practice. The teacher can guide them, and the parents can be supportive, but the student is teaching themself. They are ’self-taught.’ It’s a great skill to learn.